I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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