her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
