i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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