Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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