It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
