I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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