Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
