That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
