my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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