Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
