my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
