was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
