come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
