I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
