he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
