There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
