He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
