He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Success! We fucked roommates!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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