I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
