Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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