I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
