i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
