I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
