Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
