I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
And then he peed in my hair
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
