Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
