on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
