apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
