The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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