i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my being single is dangerous.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
