Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
farters have to be the big spoon...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
