Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
