Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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