I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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