1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
