he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
