there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
