I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
