Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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