If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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