im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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