i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
