went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
