id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
