I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish I only lived at night.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
