i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
