i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
