respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
