I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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