Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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