She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
