chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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